Have you ever had one of those things that years ago you did or didn't do, that you regret? Every once in a while one of those
things will pop into my head and I think "Man! You were an idiot!!!" There's actually one that continues to haunt me, and has for the last 14 years. Nothing major... just something I didn't say...
You see, when I was in high school I was a party animal. I wasn't "the life of the party" or anything like that, I just liked to have fun and I did it often... a little too often to be honest... When I was a Sophomore I hung out with the Seniors, when I was a Junior I hung out with the Seniors, and when I was a Senior all of my friends had already graduated, so I had plenty of opportunities for exciting weekends (and week days) all throughout my high school career. Needless to say I wasn't the best student but I aced socializing!
That's probably why so many people were curious about my decision to quit everything that I had been doing and join the "Mormon" church. At school I was asked so often about my decision, why I was doing it, and what it was about the church that made me want to join it. At the time I hadn't really analyzed my decision, I just knew that it was something that I felt inside that I had to do. All I could say was, "It just felt right."
I wish I would have said so much more... At the time I had so many questions about God, the purpose of this life, and where we were going after we die. It had been sparked a few months before when I took my little cousin into a store at the mall where she could trick-or-treat. Instead of candy they gave out a pamphlet called "This Was Your Life," and it was about a guy who had partied away his chance to get into heaven. I read it as we were walking around the mall and I don't remember a ton about it but it definitely made me start thinking about what I was doing with my life even at that young age.
I started asking people what they thought. I don't remember who all I asked but I remember my mom saying "I don't know baby," and I remember the Lutheran guy who taught me my lessons before I could get baptized telling me "I don't know. It's something that God feels we don't need to know." Someone else told me that we're here to "worship" and that in the next life we'll be with God and we'll be there "worshiping him forever." I understood my moms... how would she know? I'm sure if she knew, she would have told me along the way. I thought the Lutheran guy's answer was crap. That seems like an important thing to figure out, I can't believe God wouldn't want us to know... someone had to know!!! And the last answer, I just remember thinking... that sounds boring as heck! I wonder if the other place will be more fun.
After a few weeks I forgot about my question and went on with life. Till one night I was on my way to a party and had to swing by the house to pick up some cash. It was dark but I saw the backs of two guys approaching our door in suits. I thought they were police. My sister and I got out and talked to them... come to find out they were guys about our age. They both went by the name Elder and they were from a church. We gave them our number and told them to call our mom. After that my mom started meeting with them... this went on for months. She didn't want to join their church to be honest, she just wanted to talk about God. They would teach us the same lessons over and over and she'd ask the same questions over and over, which I thought was hilarious. Personally, I checked out most of the time. I didn't know much about what they were teaching and I hated that they'd ask me questions that I couldn't answer, so I'd just sit there and zone out.
Then one day my sister swung by to pick up some stuff and the Elders were there teaching. They'd ask questions and my mom would give the exact same answers that she always had... but my sister heard it and from the bathroom she'd yell the answer. Then she'd come in and explain it to us in layman's terms. It started to make sense. My sister joined their church pretty quickly. I still wasn't sure. They'd meet with me and try to get me to commit but I just couldn't. I heard it, I didn't feel it. I couldn't commit to something that needed so much of me when I wasn't that invested and I didn't know if I really believed what they were saying.
Then it was the day of my sisters baptism. My mom and I came home afterward, she went inside and started watching TV or reading or something, and I went outside to have a... um... since I work for the church now, I feel weird saying it... so I'll just say "a little cloud of smoke..." I went outside to have a little cloud of smoke, and as I was sitting there I started thinking, "okay, I feel like I have two roads before me, one I don't know that I get, but for some reason it feels like a viable option, the other is where I am now. Should I take that new road?" Just then the clouds moved and the sun shone through right on this little flower in front of me, and I got this warm feeling through my entire body. It was like just asking the question sincerely was like taking the red pill. I had a 100% change of heart. No words, no distinct thought, I just knew I chose the new and unknown road. I put my little cloud of smoke out, and walked inside to get rid of the rest of my word of wisdom issues. The funny thing is that it was only after I was baptized that I realized that they had completely answered the questions that I had months before.
So now after all these years I wish I would have said this. I had question about where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. The missionaries answered them. And not with an answer that made me say "okay, that's decent rationing..." No, their answers were like hearing truth, a truth that I knew way deep down inside that had suddenly been awakened. They helped me to remember something that I knew long before coming to this earth. That I am a daughter of God. That we are all His sons and daughters. Literally created, spirit children of a loving Father in Heaven. While there we learned and progressed in an effort to become more like our Father, but there was something He had that we did not. A physical body. So he created a world where we could gain a physical body, and progress by having experiences and making choices. And he provided clues and directors along our way. Prophets and apostles, scriptures, the Holy Ghost, an internal ability to know what's right and what's wrong. But even with all of this, He knew we couldn't come back to live with Him because no matter how many arrows he put along our path, we'd deviate. We'd sometimes get confused, distracted, or even go just completely off track... something we couldn't do if we wanted to live with him again. So he sent a Savior to come and provide an act of mercy that would encompass all the earth and anyone who would ever live upon it. An act that wouldn't rob the justice that was due for our sins but fulfill it, while mercifully cleansing us and allowing us to enter back into our Father's presences, if we would just seek to sincerely accept the sacrifice. And after this life, we'll continue to learn and grow, as we strive to become more like our Father in Heaven.
