Line Upon Line

Everything comes line upon line... today I got another line...

I joined the church because I felt the Spirit tell me it was right, and I believed it was the path that I was supposed to follow. But before my baptism I told my friend that I’d still party every once in a while, and I told the missionaries that I was doing this because I believed it’s what we are commanded to do, but that I didn’t want to join the church. I didn’t want to be a “Mormon” (good for that missionary for having the faith to stick with me and baptize me anyway). As an outsider, something about it seemed cultish and I wasn’t down with that!

I had a change of heart when I went into the water though. Literally, right as I came up out of the water, I wiped my face and said, “I’m a Mormon!” I suddenly was totally okay with being viewed as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I realized that I would never “party” again… or at least never do those things that you do at parties.

So I joined the church because I knew that God had touched my heart to follow this path, and I was going to do it no matter what, but other than that, I was honestly pretty clueless. My sister was a ball of fire. She understood instantly. She started serving as a ward missionary and was amazing with her quick understanding of the gospel. I was not that fast. I struggled, trying to understand the things I learned and have those things make sense when they may have clashed with my previous beliefs. I became a recluse studying the Book of Mormon even though I honestly didn’t know how to really study so I just read it over and over again.

So sometime between 2000 and 2002 I decided to pray about the Book of Mormon. I did it multiple times and each time the power of my answer was intense!!! I knew it was truly translated from ancient records, that the stories were true, and that they were scripture that God wanted on the earth for His children. Just like the Bible, but from His disciples who were living on the American continent.

Likewise, since I was baptized and ever since, I’ve pondered on points of the gospel until they make sense or I have clarity in them, or in other words, until I’ve gained a testimony in them. I was lucky that I had gained a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon because as I struggled with points of the doctrine I kept reminding myself that if the Book of Mormon was true then there has got to be truth to what I was struggling with... I just needed greater understanding. And as time went on it came… though sometimes it took years… one such topic took me six years to understand. I just held on to what I knew was true until it happened.

Anyhow, so I have a testimony in the Doctrine of Christ, I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon, I have a testimony that God has blessed us with Prophets and Apostles today and that those men are good, righteous men… not because people are telling me that but because I can see for myself. Their actions bear good fruit. And because of how I’ve grown and the spirit that they bring. I've been around some of them, I've felt the light of the Spirit radiating from them. I know they have truly been commissioned by God to share His word. But... something I never really had… A testimony in Joseph Smith.

I know we learn line upon line and precept upon precept. Well, when it came to Joseph Smith my first line was realizing that if the Book of Mormon is true, and the church is true, and the priesthood really was restored, then it stands to reason that Joseph Smith really was a prophet, and a primary instrument in bringing about the restoration of the same church organization that existed while Christ was on the earth. But even with this mathematical summation I still had a few doubts in him. I just never really KNEW it... never really FELT it! You know what I mean.

Well today, while reading a transcript from some talk given at some meeting a few years ago, I realized what a feat it would have been for him to accomplish all that he did, had it not been for divine instruction.

He would have had to come up with some crazy story about his own spiritual experience. Then stick to it for however many years, watching friends and family get persecuted because they believed him, then going to prison how many times for it, and finally being murdered by a mob because of it. That’s some conviction!

Along with that, there’s the Book of Mormon… I think of all the work and planning that goes into writing a 120 page script… all the changes to make the story more sound... I just don’t know how plausible it is to think that he came up with a concept for a story that spanned hundreds, maybe thousands of year (sorry, I don’t have a BOM with me right now so I can’t give an accurate number at this moment), that fulfilled prophecies talked about throughout the Bible, which also spanned however many years, and yet never created an outline, never took notes on what needed to be in it, never said to his scribe “hmm, that concept doesn’t totally work, let’s come back to it and re-work it.” Nope, it was just him reading to a scribe who wrote for hours on end without going back, without scribbling out errors… just straight writing… And in the end came some powerful stories that, like I said, spanned thousands of years. So either it was really transcribed from ancient writing or Joseph Smith was a literary genius… I’m leaning toward the first.

Then along with all that, he organized a church, he prepared lessons and taught, he expounded on gospel principles, he had a family, he did a ton! I think of how I try to do it all right now and I struggle and fail miserably!!! I really believe that the only way he could have accomplished so much, learned so much, and taught so much in the short span of his life is because he was receiving inspiration from God. And he was receiving that inspiration because he was called to be an instrument in restoring the fullness of Christ’s gospel to the earth.

I know this isn’t a perfect testimony but it’s another line that is building my testimony in him, and I’m glad to have it.

This Is Long Overdue...

Have you ever had one of those things that years ago you did or didn't do, that you regret? Every once in a while one of those things will pop into my head and I think "Man! You were an idiot!!!" There's actually one that continues to haunt me, and has for the last 14 years. Nothing major... just something I didn't say...

You see, when I was in high school I was a party animal. I wasn't "the life of the party" or anything like that, I just liked to have fun and I did it often... a little too often to be honest... When I was a Sophomore I hung out with the Seniors, when I was a Junior I hung out with the Seniors, and when I was a Senior all of my friends had already graduated, so I had plenty of opportunities for exciting weekends (and week days) all throughout my high school career. Needless to say I wasn't the best student but I aced socializing!

That's probably why so many people were curious about my decision to quit everything that I had been doing and join the "Mormon" church. At school I was asked so often about my decision, why I was doing it, and what it was about the church that made me want to join it. At the time I hadn't really analyzed my decision, I just knew that it was something that I felt inside that I had to do. All I could say was, "It just felt right."

I wish I would have said so much more... At the time I had so many questions about God, the purpose of this life, and where we were going after we die. It had been sparked a few months before when I took my little cousin into a store at the mall where she could trick-or-treat. Instead of candy they gave out a pamphlet called "This Was Your Life," and it was about a guy who had partied away his chance to get into heaven. I read it as we were walking around the mall and I don't remember a ton about it but it definitely made me start thinking about what I was doing with my life even at that young age.

I started asking people what they thought. I don't remember who all I asked but I remember my mom saying "I don't know baby," and I remember the Lutheran guy who taught me my lessons before I could get baptized telling me "I don't know. It's something that God feels we don't need to know." Someone else told me that we're here to "worship" and that in the next life we'll be with God and we'll be there "worshiping him forever." I understood my moms... how would she know? I'm sure if she knew, she would have told me along the way. I thought the Lutheran guy's answer was crap. That seems like an important thing to figure out, I can't believe God wouldn't want us to know... someone had to know!!! And the last answer, I just remember thinking... that sounds boring as heck! I wonder if the other place will be more fun.

After a few weeks I forgot about my question and went on with life. Till one night I was on my way to a party and had to swing by the house to pick up some cash. It was dark but I saw the backs of two guys approaching our door in suits. I thought they were police. My sister and I got out and talked to them... come to find out they were guys about our age. They both went by the name Elder and they were from a church. We gave them our number and told them to call our mom. After that my mom started meeting with them... this went on for months. She didn't want to join their church to be honest, she just wanted to talk about God. They would teach us the same lessons over and over and she'd ask the same questions over and over, which I thought was hilarious. Personally, I checked out most of the time. I didn't know much about what they were teaching and I hated that they'd ask me questions that I couldn't answer, so I'd just sit there and zone out.

Then one day my sister swung by to pick up some stuff and the Elders were there teaching. They'd ask questions and my mom would give the exact same answers that she always had... but my sister heard it and from the bathroom she'd yell the answer. Then she'd come in and explain it to us in layman's terms. It started to make sense. My sister joined their church pretty quickly. I still wasn't sure. They'd meet with me and try to get me to commit but I just couldn't. I heard it, I didn't feel it. I couldn't commit to something that needed so much of me when I wasn't that invested and I didn't know if I really believed what they were saying.

Then it was the day of my sisters baptism. My mom and I came home afterward, she went inside and started watching TV or reading or something, and I went outside to have a... um... since I work for the church now, I feel weird saying it... so I'll just say "a little cloud of smoke..." I went outside to have a little cloud of smoke, and as I was sitting there I started thinking, "okay, I feel like I have two roads before me, one I don't know that I get, but for some reason it feels like a viable option, the other is where I am now. Should I take that new road?" Just then the clouds moved and the sun shone through right on this little flower in front of me, and I got this warm feeling through my entire body. It was like just asking the question sincerely was like taking the red pill. I had a 100% change of heart. No words, no distinct thought, I just knew I chose the new and unknown road. I put my little cloud of smoke out, and walked inside to get rid of the rest of my word of wisdom issues. The funny thing is that it was only after I was baptized that I realized that they had completely answered the questions that I had months before.

So now after all these years I wish I would have said this. I had question about where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. The missionaries answered them. And not with an answer that made me say "okay, that's decent rationing..." No, their answers were like hearing truth, a truth that I knew way deep down inside that had suddenly been awakened. They helped me to remember something that I knew long before coming to this earth. That I am a daughter of God. That we are all His sons and daughters. Literally created, spirit children of a loving Father in Heaven. While there we learned and progressed in an effort to become more like our Father, but there was something He had that we did not. A physical body. So he created a world where we could gain a physical body, and progress by having experiences and making choices. And he provided clues and directors along our way. Prophets and apostles, scriptures, the Holy Ghost, an internal ability to know what's right and what's wrong. But even with all of this, He knew we couldn't come back to live with Him because no matter how many arrows he put along our path, we'd deviate. We'd sometimes get confused, distracted, or even go just completely off track... something we couldn't do if we wanted to live with him again. So he sent a Savior to come and provide an act of mercy that would encompass all the earth and anyone who would ever live upon it. An act that wouldn't rob the justice that was due for our sins but fulfill it, while mercifully cleansing us and allowing us to enter back into our Father's presences, if we would just seek to sincerely accept the sacrifice. And after this life, we'll continue to learn and grow, as we strive to become more like our Father in Heaven.

Taking "Me" Back Update

On July 20, 2012 I did a post titled Taking "Me" Back and said I would update you on it. Well, here's a 2 years later update:

1. Time Management - I still struggle with it but as long as the TV is off I'm so much more productive, and I started making lists for myself again so that is a huge help
2. Finances - We're pretty good here. I don't remember my struggles before but I haven't been worried about it for a while, so that's good.
3. Health - We got a gym membership and I never go but after I get off work we always go somewhere so it just feels good walking... plus my job has changed so I'm not sitting around editing 11-13 hours a day, which rocks! I actually get off work at 5pm so I have more time in the day to be active. I love it!!!
4. Home - I don't know what my concern was with this... I guess I didn't read my post well enough, but Jon is amazing at keeping the house clean Monday through Friday so I have the weekends now, which makes life easier.
5. Secure stability for my future - Still working on this. Other than student loans and a credit card or two we're out of debt, we finally got insurance about a year ago... maybe longer, so we can actually go to the Dr., and we have a savings account. I feel pretty good even though I do have new goals for our future which I've recently started working on, but we'll talk about that later.
6. Spirituality - I think I'm doing much better. I mean... we always go to church... we always say our meal prayers... we always say a family prayer at night before we go to bed, and I always read scriptures and pray on my own at night before going to bed. But just going through the actions is not enough... I try to have a constant prayer in my heart and I started reading and praying in the morning before I start my day. It seems to make everything better and gets my mind in the right place for the day. Something I'm still trying to do is make sure that I set time aside for a good long prayer... not any set time... just sitting down, by myself and having a sincere minute or 10 or whatever it needs to be. I use to do it all the time but it seems like every moment is full of something so it's much harder these days. That's okay though... it's a work in progress.

Anyhow, feelin' pretty good about where we are. We're still trying to progress in a number of areas so goals are good. I like having things to shoot for...

Burn One Down

So, I just got done listening to Ben Harper's song: Burn One Down. The song is about weed, mary-ja-wanna, reefer, whatever you choose to call it. Anyhow, there's a line in there that stood out to me, it says, "so before you knock it, try it first." Now, I'm not actually telling people to smoke weed. Actually my comment has nothing to do with the drug at all. It just got me thinking a little bit, a catapult for my thought process, if you will.

I wish there was one really great, simple line I could give that would sum up my thought but I can't seem to come up with one... I guess if I did it would be something on the order of, "don't knock an action, till you know the intention."

The other day a friend of mine had mentioned that sinning is easier when you're not alone... and I totally agree with that. It IS so much easier to be bad when you have someone else with you... someone warranting your desires and actions.

This friend went on to use an example of party-animal, high school kids, and how when a new person comes along they congregate to them. Their goal being, lets get someone else to be bad and warrant our actions, so we don't feel so bad about them.

Now, maybe in Utah, because there are so many members of the church, this is true... I don't know. I can only speak from experience, and my experience is outside of Utah, and around very few LDS people. 

As a party-animal, high school kid, I can say from personal experience, this was not the intention behind my actions. I simply wanted them to feel welcome and I knew that I had the ability to help them make friends.

Now this is just a small example, but how often DO we judge people's intentions because we disagree with their lifestyle choices?

Anyhow, I hope someday, when we have kids, we can teach them to love everybody... party-animal or not... I hope we can teach them to make good judgement calls, but to hold judgements. To accept everyone, while still holding tight to their own spiritual beliefs. I think for many adults its a fine line that's hard to walk... They fall too far to one side or the other... I just hope we can create such balance in our future generations.

Anyhow, if you want to hear an amazing artist, and the song that inspired this little post, here it is: